The light casts its shadow upon the floor, O my soul!
I'm afraid I will never be able to escape from the black shadow floating on the floor.
——Ellen.slope
If I told you that I used to be a very good poet, you might find it ridiculous, because now I am an out-and-out villain. But it's true, I've written a lot of very moving poems, just as I've done a lot of shameful things now. If those poems and the things I did were put together, even I couldn't believe that they were done by the same person.
Maybe there is a bit of cultural conscience after all. When I break away from the day's debauchery and face myself alone, I often feel sad and self-blame. Just like now, in the dead of night and the sad sound of rain, I can't get rid of it. Loneliness reminds me of old friends, especially the painter Lu Man and her studio. I opened the dusty drawer, which contained several books and letters from friends. I found the sketch from a photo album. It was a facial sketch that Lu Man made for me. She captured my momentary expression. , anxious, helpless, and a little arrogant, more vivid than the photos.
I carefully unfolded the slightly yellowed sketch paper and was stunned when I saw it. I couldn't believe my eyes. There was nothing on it, just a blank piece of paper. Maybe I got it wrong? I flipped through it for a long time, but there was no other paper in the drawer. This one was definitely the right one, but where was my profile picture? Although it has been stored for a long time, the clear picture drawn with charcoal pens cannot be lost. impossible.
I began to study the piece of paper carefully. Yes, it was a piece of white paper; I held it up to the light again and looked at it as carefully as if I were looking at a film. This time, I could faintly see a few shadows, and the shadows seemed to be moving. I rubbed my eyes and looked away, then back to the paper.
Guess what I saw.
A strange face appeared on that piece of paper. This face looked depressed, dull, and even painful. Gradually, through the blurry picture, I felt that this face seemed familiar, and I tried my best to identify it… Finally, I saw – or rather, I should feel – that this was Lu Man's lover.
I dare not face that painful look again.
I took the sketch paper away from the light and it returned to its empty state.
What has actually happened?
I put the paper back in the drawer and sat down at the table blankly.
I don’t know how long I sat there, but I could only hear the rain outside coming down hard for a while, and then becoming drizzling again.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, the idea came to me – I want to go to Lu Man's studio. I want to see her.
I took out the portrait again and held it in my arms. I vaguely remembered her studio far away in the countryside. However, on such a rainy night and several years later, could I still find it? But I don't care about this, I must see her tonight anyway. When a person has to do something for no reason, I believe it must come from another invisible force, which we cannot yet give a satisfactory explanation for.
It was pitch dark outside and the rain had basically stopped. There was a lot of water on the ground, and I didn’t walk far before I felt wet in my shoes. I held an unopened umbrella in one hand and the portrait in my arms, walking in the direction of my memory.
Looking back, I saw that the apartment I lived in was far behind. The light in my room was still on, and I forgot to turn it off when I left. I didn't care, just keep it on when it was on. I seemed to have a subconscious intention not to go back.
I felt a little tired, but the ground was full of water and I couldn't sit down and rest. I remembered that we were almost reaching the newly renovated river. There were several pavilions built beside the river, and there were also some stone tables and benches inside, where you could sit and take a breath. I walked a few steps and heard the rushing water of the river, which showed that the rain was indeed heavy. I could vaguely see the spire of the pavilion. I walked in, found a stone bench, fluttered it with my hands, and was about to sit down. At this time, I seemed to see a dark shadow sitting down with me out of the corner of my eye. I hurriedly turned around to look. Outside the pavilion, only the shadows of trees were swaying. There can't be anyone here at this time. I gave up my doubts and took out a cigarette, but the lighter didn't fire, so I had to put the cigarette back again. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my back. I trembled all over and turned around suddenly, but I saw nothing. I instinctively reached out and touched my back. My clothes were wet on my body. I didn't know whether it was sweat or rain. I am too neurotic, which is not in line with my personality. Over the years, I have tried hard to become numb and indifferent, and have thrown away all the useless passion and sensitivity.
I planned to sit for a while and then leave. Unexpectedly, I became even more tired after sitting there, and my feet felt as heavy as weights. This was not going to work, so I braced myself, stood up, and walked out of the pavilion. I saw the black shadow next to me again. I rubbed my eyes vigorously, thinking that it might be because I was too sleepy. Ignore it and go my way.
I have always felt a dark shadow walking with me. When I turned to look, there was nothing there; but when I looked ahead, I could catch a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye.
The clouds in the sky were a little clearer than before, and my eyes, which had been dark for a long time, could vaguely see the things around me. My energy recovered somewhat, I threw my arms and took a long stride. I hope to reach that village and that studio soon.
After walking far away, I realized that I had forgotten my umbrella on the stone bench of the pavilion. Forget it, an umbrella is not worth a lot of money, and I really don’t have the strength to walk the same path again. In fact, I was sleepwalking during this period. It was not my consciousness directing my legs to walk. It was as if my legs were separated from my body, or they became some kind of vehicle outside my body, carrying me. Wandering in this dark night.
My legs stopped in front of a courtyard – this is where I was. I was deeply impressed by this courtyard. It is a location carefully selected by Lu Man. It is far away from the city, surrounded by mountains and rivers, and is full of pastoral flavor. As soon as I stepped into this small courtyard, I felt a sense of paradise. Lu Man's otherworldly temperament and beautiful and elegant appearance made me feel uneasy and moved my heart.
At this moment, I am standing in this courtyard that often appears in my dreams, but I don’t have the courage to knock on the door. I still remember that her landlord was a very thin and shrewd old lady. Her behavior and speech did not look like a vulgar country person, but she had the demeanor of a lady. It seems that she likes Lu Man very much. She always looks at the men who approach Lu Man with a scrutinizing look. That look is easily reminiscent of a responsible and picky mother choosing a son-in-law for her only daughter. . I don't like that kind of look, but every time I come to see Lu Man, I have to endure it.
I walked more than ten miles in the rain, but when I got here, I didn't know what I was going to do. I hesitated and even wanted to go back the way I came. At this time, I saw the shadow again out of the corner of my eye. It passed over my body and floated towards the door.
The door opened silently.
The south room is Lu Man's studio. The lights were on, and it seemed that she had also spent a sleepless night. The old lady must have slept in the west room as she was lying in the shadows. This is not a bad thing for me. I walked straight towards the south room.
The door opened automatically for me again. It was the shrewd old lady who opened the door. She seemed thinner than before, but her eyesight remained unchanged. I stood at the door, feeling uncomfortable.
I avoided her eyes and looked into the room. The furnishings in the room were the same as before. Suddenly I found an umbrella standing in the corner. That umbrella belonged to me. Yes, it was still dripping with water. And I had obviously forgotten it on the stone bench in the pavilion. Why did it come back? Appearing in Lu Man's room? I thought of the black shadow—it must have done it.
"It's so late, what are you doing here?" The old lady spoke. This was the first time I heard her speak. It was a strange voice.
"I'm looking for Lu Man, please let me in." I replied.
She turned sideways, meaning to let me into the house. I also turned sideways and entered the house from her side.
There was a strong smell of Indian incense in the room, which was a bit pungent. Lu Man's paintings are hung on the four walls. Since most of them are Picasso-style brushwork, they appear bizarre and unpredictable. I felt like I was in another strange world. In the center of the room stood a huge easel. An unfinished oil painting is nailed to the easel. When I got closer, I saw clearly that it was a landscape painting. This painting changed from Lu Man's usual style. The scenery was realistic and very lifelike. The theme of the painting was a hot and humid forest belt. The whole tone was dark brown, which made it look very realistic. People feel depressed and depressed, the sky is gloomy, and a few solid clouds seem to be falling at any time. What caught my attention the most was the thick black in the middle of the woods. Although I used a lot of pen and ink, I couldn't figure out what it was. There is a figure of a woman next to her with long hair. This is the only figure in this painting. The face and facial features have not been painted yet, but from the body shape, I believe that it is Lu Man himself. Why did she draw such a picture and include herself in it?
There seemed to be a small noise behind me. I turned around and saw the old lady staring at me silently. I didn't dare to look at her, so I turned my head back. The painting jumped into my eyes again, and I found that the moment I turned around, it changed. The black in the middle was surging, but the long-haired woman was missing. I rubbed my eyes and was trying to take a closer look when I heard a gentle sigh.
"You're still here." Lu Man stood beside me at some point. She was wearing a white dress similar to pajamas. Her hair covered half of her face. She could still be seen through the thick hair. His face was very pale.
From her tone, she seemed to know I was coming.
"Did you bring the painting?" she asked, which confused me. "What painting?" I suddenly remembered the strange piece of paper I had placed on my body, and hurriedly said: "Bring it, bring it."
"Great, I'm waiting for it, otherwise, I won't be able to complete this work." Her voice clearly showed uncontrollable excitement.
I was even more surprised – how did she know I was coming? How did you know I would bring that painting? But I still put my hand into my pocket to get the painting, and said to her: "I came here just for it. Why did the portrait you painted for me disappear?" Lu Man grabbed the piece of paper with his hands, and then burst out A burst of laughter.
She neatly shook off the paper that used to be my portrait, "Take a good look, nothing will disappear."
I was surprised to see that the piece of paper turned black in her hands . The ghost lying down and talking about going home in Lan Keer's Journey was exactly the same as the black in the painting, but this time the black was surging. , very viscous, thick, bubbling in some places, and there was an object struggling in the black. I was about to take a closer look at what the object was. Suddenly, a big hand stretched out from the black, dripping with something like asphalt. It stretched straight towards me, almost touching my face. I instinctively raised my hand to block it, but my vision went dark. At the same time, I heard Lu Man's voice, "Look carefully, you will see a lot, no, it will never disappear."
This is a terrible swamp. The thick mud and the decay of the forest make it look like asphalt, and its strong and pungent smell can be smelled from a distance. I don’t know how it came to be, but when I first saw it, I didn’t feel disgusted like Lu Man and his lover did, but felt a faint joy in my heart. At that time, I couldn’t explain where the joy came from, so I This brings a sense of fear.
Lu Man said, "Let's get out of here." Her lover naturally agreed. But I said, look what a good theme this is, forests and swamps, you know, such scenery is rare. My words seemed to move her, and she took a few steps back, narrowed her eyes, and began to observe.
"Really, why didn't I notice it? This is really an excellent subject, worthy of being a poet." Lu Man was as excited as a child and was about to get the picture folder. I noticed a look of irritation on her lover's face. I don't know whether it was because of the stench of the swamp or because of the bad idea I gave Lu Man. I know that once an artist has the inspiration and passion to create, he doesn't care about the environment at all. Besides, it has nothing to do with me whether Lu Man's lover is annoying or not. I don't like him in the first place. He is a boring gourd with no sentiment at all. I don't understand how Lu Man, who has always been picky, would choose such a man as his lover. After finding such a man from Lu Man, I regretted why I never proposed to her all these years. Firstly, Lu Man and I are too familiar, and men and women are too familiar, and what happens is often family affection rather than love; I always feel that the pure and beautiful Lu Man must have higher pursuits. All I have for her is brotherly care and respect for her personality, even admiration. Lu Man never treats me as an outsider. He is free in front of me and tells me whatever is on his mind. But since she fell in love, my feelings for her have undergone subtle changes. The proportion of lust has increased, and it is also mixed with a sense of resentment, as if a treasure that originally belonged to me has been taken away by others. On the surface I acted as usual. Lu Man didn't notice this at all. Like today, she even asked me to go out with them on an outing. This little girl didn't know how much pain and jealousy I was enduring. There is always a voice in my heart that says silently: Lu Man is mine, mine…
At that time, I still loved poetry wholeheartedly. Lu Man was my loyal reader. She said that several of her successful oil paintings were inspired by my poems. My few thin poetry collections had long become her pillow book. I believe what Lu Man said is true. She never flatters people intentionally, so I am naturally very happy. But even so, I still maintain a platonic friendship with her. Now that I think about it, I am really an unreasonable fool.
"It's too late today, let's paint tomorrow." Lu Man's lover said. Only then did I realize that I was a little distracted.
Lu Man turned around and looked at me, as if asking for my opinion.
The sun has set in the west, and the light in the forest is as dark as dusk. I also felt very tired, so I said, "Let's find a place to spend the night first."
"But stay away from this smelly pool. I can't stand sleeping next to it." Lu Man's lover added.
"Don't go too far, or you won't find this place when you look back." Lu Man sounded like he had discovered a new world or a geomantic treasure. Lu Man's lover curled his lips and said disdainfully, "It's right here. You can smell it even from eight hundred miles away. I'm sure you can find it."
Lu Man glared at her and said angrily, "You will never improve your level." I signaled Lu Man to stop talking.
As Lu Man's lover walked away, he muttered, "I don't believe it. Guarding a big cesspool can be considered romantic and classy."
I was afraid that Lu Man would argue with him again after hearing this, so I would keep interrupting and distract Lu Man. He secretly cursed Lu Man's lover, why is this guy so meaty? On the other hand, he was also a little happy. Lu Man would never stay with this type of person for too long. However, the facts soon proved my inference wrong. Love cannot be judged according to people's normal thinking. Its subtlety lies in this. Both men and women play roles that they cannot even recognize, playing an irregular game.
That night, now that I think about it, I can't believe that I have actually experienced it. It was more like a dream that was too broken to be put back together, so now I can only talk about it in fragments like a dream.
…I watched the hands waving for help feebly, and the gray-black mud had already reached the top of my head. Only those hands, those helpless hands…
The shouting died away. The surroundings returned to calm, and occasionally one or two cries of unknown nocturnal animals could be heard.
Was it me who pushed him down…?
No, he obviously walked down by himself, I watched him walk down.
Why should he go on?
That little camping tent.
The two of them live in it.
We had a great picnic that night and drank too much. Later they entered the tent, and I seemed to have volunteered to stay outside as a lookout. I don’t know why I was particularly attentive that day.
Later, I heard that kind of movement.
There is a unique movement between men and women that only occurs at that moment.
It’s just such a man that I disdain that actually possesses…
resentment. remorse. jealous. My heart ached.
The sound intensified. They got carried away and didn't even care that there was an observer at the door.
In such a forest, in such a late night, listening to a man and a woman having fun, and that woman was your beloved, what kind of state of mind would it be.
I sat there numbly…
I do not know how long it has been……
It's getting darker.
If a person sits in the dark for a long time, he will feel that his body seems to have dissipated and become one with the darkness. You cannot see yourself or feel your own existence. At this time, the thoughts that people send out are strange. , even I don’t believe that this is my own thinking. If you have ever done something wrong or want to do something wrong, please do not stay alone in this darkness for a long time.
A pair of naked bodies floated before my eyes, entangled and squirming…
I really can't stand this torture anymore. I stood up and tried to get further away. At this time, a corner of the tent opened, and a dark shadow came out.
It just happened. I blame that night, it was too dark, otherwise, I wouldn't have had this sinister idea.
He peed against a tree. It seems that he has not yet sobered up from the wine, and with all the busy work just now, he looks exhausted, and his upper body is swaying. He is holding on to the tree trunk with one hand, and holding his belongings with the other hand…
There must be some god or demon controlling me in the darkness…
I walked over and patted his shoulder gently. He turned around, his eyes blurred.
"Aren't you asleep yet?" I asked.
He shook his head, still looking confused.
I don't care about him anymore…
I took a few steps and heard movement behind me. When I turned around, I saw that it was him following me.
Could he be sleepwalking?
I led him through the dark trees, getting farther and farther away from the tent.
The swamp is just ahead. I smelled the overwhelming stench again.
He followed me like a shadow, but now he didn't complain about the smell that disgusted him.
"Are you hot"? I was frightened by the sound I made, like another person speaking inside me. "Look, the water is so cool. Go down and take a bath."
The shadow left my side and walked straight towards the swamp…
It took me a while to find the tent.
It was dawn, but the woods were still as dark as ever.
She stood in front of the tent, as if waiting for something. In this dense forest far away from people, there is only me and her. The very fact of this situation makes me excited.
I hugged her and fell down together with her on the dewy grass.
What I couldn't believe was that she was still a virgin.
"You…how could you do this…" she murmured afterwards.
"You…didn't you do it?" I asked from the bottom of my heart. She shook her head.
But where did that sound I heard come from?
That night was so unreal to her and to me.
His disappearance was attributed to his sleepwalking disorder, which many people knew about. But every time I see the way she looks at me, I always feel like she already knows it all.
We haven't had that kind of relationship since that night, "what happened once was like it never happened at all." I remember a foreign writer said this, if this is the case, I did nothing that night. If it hadn't been for today's rainy night, I would have been so convinced. Later, I gave up my life as a poet and completely sunk in. I believe all of this is related to that night and the swamp. I stumbled out of Lu Man's studio.
It rained heavily again.
I don't know where to go.
I felt that everything had become illusory and unattainable on this rainy night; everything seemed out of place, even my memory had problems. For example, I suddenly remembered something, but I couldn't figure out whether it really happened. I seem to have heard that Lu Man is dead and was burned to death, and it was the old landlady who set the fire. She reduced herself, Lu Man, and the beautiful farmyard to ashes. As for the reason for setting the fire, there are many theories, but there is no proof. When I got the news, I might have been drunk or having fun. At that moment, my memory and feelings were often hazy.
I got goosebumps all over my body.
No, I must find Lu Man, and find out whether she is a human or a ghost.
Through the rain curtain, I didn't see the farmyard anymore, but I smelled a strong and pungent stench – my God.
I held an umbrella over my head, and a voice said, "Follow me. Look, what a good theme this is."
Gradually, I felt that what was raining on me was not the ghost lying down and talking about going home in Yulan Ke'er's journey at all, but the thick mud and rotten substances, which were wrapping me tightly and squeezing me. , imbued with me.
Instinctively I reached out to grab something. The last thing I saw was a black figure holding my umbrella and walking into the distance.
I was attracted by something and kept sinking. The process is slow and painful.
Her painting is finally finished – I thought to myself.